Boundaries: Easier Said Than Done!
Why saying no can feel uncomfortable but may be the most freeing thing we can do this holiday season!
Yesterday, I had the pleasure of spending Wellness Wednesday with the community at Zen Yoga Garage. With Thanksgiving around the corner, our theme was "It's Giving Self Love!"
We talked about self-love, self-trust, and boundaries. With the holidays coming around, it's easy for us to want to do everything for everyone, it's hard to take time for ourselves. At Zen Yoga Garage, there was a great response to the boundary conversation!
Not surprising, right? We all know we need them. We encourage other people to have them, but when we are urged to listen to our own advice, we start making excuses to why we can't.
After 22 years in education, leaving CPS was heartbreaking. Teaching wasn't just my job, it was what I built my identity around. I prided myself on how much I could give to my students and people around me. Somewhere along the way, I realized that I let so much time pass without knowing when enough was enough.
With being both a teacher AND a parent, I felt as if I had two full plates that kept piling and piling. I didn't know where to start to give me some relief!
After COVID, I found myself feeling like I needed to boil the ocean. I remembered something my Philosophy of Education professor at the University of Michigan once said:
"How come doctors get to see one patient at a time and evaluate them, while teachers have 30 students at a time and have to evaluate every single one?"
That stuck with me. And after 22 years in the classroom, I understood exactly what my professor meant. It's not inherently wrong to want to meet every need, I was in this field for a reason, right?
It's easy to get wrapped up in the service of our work, but with this holiday season coming up, its important to remember to take time for ourselves. We can show up for ourselves the way we show up for our families, our coworkers, our students, or our patients.
The Peace Warrior Pause
Setting boundaries is SO uncomfortable. We don't want to seem selfish, we don't want to let people down, at the end of the day, we want to show up for people who we are about, or we made a commitment to do so. I also sometimes feel like it's easier to say yes than deal with the reaction of saying no.
When we say yes to everything, it's important to ask ourselves; What are we saying no to?
Our time? Our energy? Dinner with our significant other? Quiet nights at home?
Boundaries are about knowing when to pull back and reassess how we are spending our time. Then, we can better know how we want to spend our time. With boundaries, we can figure out what we need and who we want to spend our time with. Rather than going to three christmas parties in a row for mutual friends, we can spend all night with that one friend we hadn't spoken to in a few months.
As parents and educators, we want to help young people succeed. Of course we do! But sometimes helping means letting them figure something out for themselves. We talked about this in last week's blog. Check it out if you haven't had the chance to! We discuss how to balance navigating challenges for our children and letting them do it on their own and how! coaching can help! Coaching can help us learn to establish boundaries to relieve some of the heavy lifting in order to spend more time focusing on our relationships!
The Peace Warrior Path
With Thanksgiving coming up, here's something to try before the cooking, traveling, family gatherings, and inevitable questions about your life choices begin.
Give yourself a little room to breathe.
Maybe that means:
Saying, "I'd love to help, but I can't this time."
Letting your child solve a problem without immediately jumping in.
Not checking work emails while you're supposed to be enjoying time off.
Taking a walk when the family conversation starts getting a little too interesting.
Keep Exploring
Read: Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab. Because apparently some of us need an entire book to learn how to say no. (Speaking for myself here!)
Listen: Brené Brown On Boundaries and Compassion. She has a way of making you think about things you thought you already understood.
Think About: What's one thing you keep saying yes to that you really wish you could say no to?
Try This: The next time someone asks you to do something, don't answer immediately. Give yourself a minute. Maybe even an hour. The world will probably keep spinning.
READY TO EXPLORE WHAT'S NEXT?
One thing I've learned is that you can care deeply about people without taking responsibility for everything.
I'm still working on that one.
At Peace Warrior Coaching, I work with young people, parents, and educators on building confidence, self-trust, resilience, and healthier relationships.
And sometimes that starts with a simple, slightly uncomfortable word.
No.
Peace Warrior Coaching — Because you deserve a seat at your own table, too.